tdy go sch damn tired when i go sch. ytd slept late cos i read in the dark till my eye pain n i feel like going to sleep then sleep cos if not my mind will wander n negative yuki will take advantage of tht n control my mind causing my mood to go down.lol. suddenly think of this taylor swift song ' you belong with me ' . i think cos just now browsing picture text then saw a quote ' and you've got a smile tht could light up this whole town' then i continue the song in my head then start thinking of u. LOL. in my mind just now was ' and you've got a smile that could light this whole town, i havent seen it in awhile since she brought you down. you said you're fine, but i know you better than that. hey what'cha doing with a girl like that? she wear short skirt i wear tee shirt, she's cheer captain n im on the bleachers dreaming bout the day WHEN YOU WAKE UP N FIND THAT WHAT'CHA, LOOKING FOR HAS BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME, if you can see that im the one who understands YOU, been here all along so Y CANT YOU SEE~, you belong me...' lol. haha. choto matte, go feed fluffy first...

back! lol just now keep try to crawl on my lap when i open the cage door.

anww...still regrettinggg. dunno what to do. let nature take its course bah. but i wonder i tahan for long anot. lol thought about last time n i realised, 'you belong with me'-taylor swift was my first love song followed by 'love story'-taylor swift. then i start to think of my love stories. my first bf 2007-2008. i with tht guy for 1 year. nvr quarrel before. he very nice to me. i loved him alot oso. i think cos still immature then we broke up. but afterwards, the whole 2008 i cant forget him. then 2009 i like this guy from MSHS, he my track senior, older than me 1 year but he freaking tall. he this yr sec 2 nia then 1.78. make me feel small.lol. then this year...P&C. just regretted lor. i realised. wo wang bu liao ni, wo xan zai gen xiang ni. LOL. now i realise, love in pri sch, although CFM +CHOP wont last. but simple

to gen n vic, there is ofcos nth going on between me n zh. wat can there b sia?

anw, kyu grade coming le. scared sia. scared of losing, scared of disappointing myself n mr ho. losing confidence cos i nvr REALLY win in comp before. inscared nid to fight against those NYJCs. wonder if yf will go to this comp n help with the bout( or bulb ) list as usual. maybe not? hais... negative yuki controlling tht thought again. lol. daijoubu, just do my best n smarten up while fighting can le. even if i not strong can use agility. tdy i win su wei n she win me oso both oso ippon sia ( or maybe she won me twice? dun rmb ), so is like tie. but nvm lah, atleast it give rise to my confidence alittle. atleast it proves tht i improve from last time. last time that yuki get beaten everytime she fight with someone, this yuki can atleast win someone. haha :) anw like usual, to me its ok to lose to seniors becos they r obviously more experienced than me so losing is natural. but winning a senior would b great for me cos tht rarely happens. winning someone same age as me is satisfying enough. lol. i always wonder, y some ppl always look so peaceful n like no trouble at all. theres no anger, no grieve just peace. its like nothing in the world matter. aiya i dunno how to say lah, i just see peace in them, but sometimes maybe its because i cant see the complexity of their thoughts. lol. getting confusin here. lol. i honestly have no idea how i fail FnN. stupid big boobs!!! i hate u!!! dunno how u count the marks one. i get D7 eh faggot!!! lol got another amazing thing. i got A1 for mt. lol. from E8 jump to B3 jump to A1. like triple jump like that. although distance short but aleast i got improve ^^. lol y i so qing song tdy? tdy dun feel so stuffy. i think cos i get to pour my feelings out to someone tdy :D. haha. mood not gd tdy. got tht relieved n qing song feeling. its like being released after being tied up by the world's tigtest belt. anw, my eng get B3 though :( must buck up n get A

Labels: sangcheo ( wound )

now...i feel...nth. dunno. mind empty...just want u* back. i just want wat the world used to b like back. lols? 3 more months left. i didnt get the chance to interact with **her for 2 weeks plus or minus i think. :( tu ran hao xiang ni, ni hui zai na li? LOL LOL LOL IM OK. at least, the last thing i can comfort myself is, is tht , i tried my best alrdy :): . haha. daijoubu. time to toughen up, kyu grade comp coming soon. last time national n age group lose cos i not experienced enough n i didnt really noe how to do my move properly. now, yolande last time taught me abit technique, quite useful. so i shld ganbatte. 'be yourself n do your thing n you wont go wrong' thts my quote. nxt week got very little training so, watever day can train must train the hardest i can now. even if i not very strong, i still want tht bronze medal. okayyy so i shld go find one senior teach me liao. dunno who. maybe dun even have? LOLsss. every ant is a giANT. lol. stupid sentence, dunno where i get from.

haiz...1 wrong move caused like half of my life to turn upside down. so im soooo not gonna do anything to turn the other half of my life down :). wanna say sry to everybody for disappointing them by picking the wrong choice. lols im so evillll.

one sentence- WO HOU HUI LE! WO BU XIANG GEN TA ZAI YI QI, WO HAI SHI HEN AI NI!

regrets, they r painful. u only get to mourn over them but u cant do anything bout it.

I REGRET!!! I REALISE I STILL LOVE U AS MUCH AS BEFORE!!! SHOULDNT HAVE MAKE THT FOOLISH DECISION!!! WASTED MY TIME!!! U WERE RIGHT!!!

zao le, wo wei she me zai zhe zhong shi jian hai xiang zhe ni?
wo shi bu shi hai ai zhe ni?
wo shi bu shi yin wei tai chong dong cai zuo chu na ge jue ding?
wo hao xiang you dian hou huai le...
dang chu ru guo wo mei you na me gu zhi, jian chi bu ting jie jie de hua jiu bu hui you jing tian
bu hui hou hui
ye bu hui wei le ta er zi ji fan nao :(
wo you fan le san yue chu fan guo de cuo le.
hai...xian zai ze me ban?
wo bu xiang ba ni wang diao ye bu xiang ni bei pan wo.
wo xiang yao hui dao yi qian, hai xi huan ni de shi hou.
na ci, sui ran wei le ni er diao le hao duo di yan lei, dan chu le na ci, wo shi hen kai xin, mei fan nao de.
xian zai yin wei gu zhi er cu xin da yi.
qu ni nai nai de, yuki, NI ZHEN SHA! yi jing de guo le jiao shun hai fan zhe zhong tong lei de cuo wu.
zhe ci ni ke zao le, ma fan ke da le.








hai...shuo le zhe me duo jie guo... wo jing ran xian zai cai fa xian dao wo you duo mo de ai ni >< BEN DAN! BAKA NO HITO! STUPID!BOBO! BAKAAAAA!

Labels: walao so late le now inside my head negative n positive yuki suddenly quarrel bout this... INSOMNIAAA...

then whenever i ask then like y i will... something something their ans damn fuck. they will say ' cos naughty wat' -.- c'mon lah wtf i do? then still got when i quarrel with them, they will say ' u alrdy drive ur mom to her grave u still wan drive us to our grave ah?' basket sia... its like they say till like all my fault like tht. then sch, later yf leave me then another one leave. its like this world dun have ordinary family-like love. i damn sian ah. dunno how to control this sadness, penknife get confscated. tuition dun wan give me my ipod then i dunno wat to do le. and i always alone most of the time, then everytime i alone, i can hear negative n positive yuki quarreling debating n the more insecure i would feel. im not as confident as before le, last time i walk back straight, head up. now i keep finding myself crouching n looking at the floor when i walk without me knowing. i dunno wats wrong with me. i just nid someone to tok to. i dun even feel like doing anything nowadays, i either feel like sitting down n try to untangle my thoughts or i'd like to take a long walk to no where, like just walk n i would just walk till i feel better n gd enough to try untangle those thoughts. aiya now in my mind theres just this sentence ' i dunno what to do ' n negative n positive yuki QUARRELING. now i really dunno negative or positive yuki is correct. there seem to b so many doubts. i just really dunno wat to do lahhh...

blogging with a troubled mind... but dun wanna pour it this time. i was to pour it to one pair of ears only but thr seem to b none .

things happen so quickly...i got no time to react. everything seem so stressful to me its like nothing i do is right these days. this sch, is like a battlefield. but the most pressurizing thing is when u have 2 frens n they r on different sides. i noe you'd all say ' just pick the one u like more ' but wat if u pick one of the choice n the others get hurt? and if u dun pick, U get hurt? i just dunno n dun wan this kind of thing anymore...i wan go back in time n change everything. i dunno wat to do, i wish positive yuki would appear in front of me now n give me a reassuring hug n tell me those fairytales to relieve me for awhile. i also realised, wat i want is not those stupid lovey dovey stuff, i wan siblings, frens n family-like love. i just wan ordinary love u get everyday from ur mom, maybe dad. sisters n brothers. i just wan ppl to care. i also realise this is cos at home, its not really very nice. ppl dun understand me although they've known me for 13 yrs! my sis? she keeps nagging n scolding like fuck. my father , aunts, relatives they keep saying tht i nvr studying when is they ownself nvr see until. then, whenever my sis quarrels with me she would call up my aunts n tell them all the bad stuff, nvr once did she tell them i did something gd. n naturally they would have this bad impression of me stuck in their. there r times when they say ' u wan die ah? u so fast wan go find ur mother ah?' then i will yin zhe tou pi say ' ya i wan go find her.' then they would say something which is damn evil , n they even treat it as a joke. they say ' even if u "go up" ur mom wouldnt wan to see u cos u drived her to her grave.' they keep saying stuff like as if i was responsible for my mom to leave and as if it doesnt hurt. ya, they thought it doesnt hurt cos i had been smiling at them ALL THE TIME. continue on 2nd post.

3rd post >< omg. so many things in my heart.

back to it. tht 1% of fren keeps getting jealous when i treat other frens better than them. yes, i noe u( tht 1% of fren ) , just wants a fren to love u n stay with u all through but HOW R U GONNA MAKE ME LOVE U MORE WHEN U KEEP NEGLECTING ME, THOUGH I ALWAYS SMILE AT U, N KEEP THINKING OF URSELF BEFORE EVERYONE. i noe u(1% fren ) think im writting absolute trash just cos u does some nice stuff to me but have u ever thought of this, if u love me like a sister or a very very very very gd de fren, would u wan me to b happy or rather have urself satisfied n happy first? im not saying ur wrong but sometimes u were being abit TOO selfish. u have to noe urself or maybe find out urself tht who r u to me before complaining to me abt lack of love. its not when u treat me like a bestfren then i treat like one too. sometimes things dun work tht way. a gd example would b tht, yes i treat yanfeng like a sister, a very gd one, i sometimes treat her better than my own sis but i noe, without her saying, deep down, im not in the 'right' position so i have no complains of lack of love, though maybe i used to but now i noe, n i found it out myself , so, there will b no more of those silly, childish complains before i am happy as long as she, n all the frens or maybe someone special, is happy, i am ( really! ) also happy, n satisfied. now tht ive poured all tht out i shld stop writting all this boring stuff n leave u all ( though i dunno whether if there r any ) to rest ur eyes after reading my thoughts. haha

this is the 2nd post of the day as ive got many things to pour. ok back to the last thing tht i say. becos victor is gen's n his having his o'lvls i felt tht i shldnt b bothering bout him incase thrs some conflict or misunderstanding. i wont tell whose the 2nd person. anw i think i lost tht person. so after losing tht 2nd person, ive been bottling everything in me. all the things i wanted to cry abt n all the things tht i wanted to throw a tantrum abt. i kept them all in me n i didnt cry, nor did i threw a tantrum. i barely gave a sad or unhappy face. i just...gave it a smile. :DDD. n i noe its not doing any gd to my mental health but ... i still cant tok to anyone abt it cuz, i cant find another person tht is mature enough n warm/friendly enough to tok to. those last 2 person were the ones tht made me feel welcome whenever i call them or tok to them. i often either feel tht im disturbing them or tht im just annoying/irritating when i keep toking to them. then thrs another group of ppl in my heart tht i wouldnt want to tok to bout this kind of thing is cos i dun want them to worry bout me n i want them to noe n believe tht im always happy. those were the few ppl tht i love n NOE THT THEY LOVE ME TOO ( those exclude my family members.lol. ) sometimes i just feel so stress when i have this 1% of fren tht keeps complaining bout stuff ABT ME TO ME.i wanted to treat tht 1% of fren well but who wouldnt feel buay song when someone keeps saying stuff bout u? n when u ask them ' cant stop saying tht im all tht? ' they would give a fucking excuse tht ISNT HELPING AT ALL. they'd say ' im just saying ~ ' like as if they r very right when NO, THEY R JUST PISSING U OFF AT THE MOMENT. tht 1% of fren always think tht they r right n when i had a quarrel with them they will say until like as if im in the wrong like tht. tht basket 1% of fren is not helping this friendship by pissing me off n especially when i find my temper getting alittle short nowadays. dunno y.

i dunno y, i think thrs something wrong with me... sometimes, a feel alittle bit like im not controlling myself n thrs like something controlling me by abit n when tht happens i'd b all giggly, n laughing n smiling ( a wide smile somemore ) then all this could change just with someone asking me happily tht ' wah yuki! u tdy look so happy ^^ ! ' then i would start thinking ' wats the reason for me to b so happy when ... ( negative stuff~ ) n y m i laughing so crazily? ' but thrs something tht will nvr change, its tht permanent smile tht blocks all this. anw, aftertht i would still b laughing n all but not as extreme as before. sometimes when im alone ( like a few mins ago ) my thoughts start to run, wander... n while tht happen i suddenly think tht she* doesnt like me anymore. she used to do all tht just cos she dun wan the judo club n judokas to to b less bonded. she just want judokas too b bonded to *survive. ok i noe tht sounds silly but i tried explaining things to myself to get out of tht thought but the conclusion at the end would still b the same :( its like thr r 2 yuki-s having a debate over this at the positive yuki ISNT WINNING. i keep telling myself in my heart tht' no lah she wouldnt do such a thing...' then suddenly negative yuki ans me ' y not? ...(negative stuff...) ' n she always sound so right. the things tht positive yuki 'told' me sounds like a fairy tale tht is too gd to b true. its like she just wants me to stop thinking of all tht n wants me to b happy, which is a gd thing but its not working cos like i say - its too gd to b true. im finally posting my real thoughts cos i feel very 'stuffy' having bottled up all this n not having someone to tok to like last time. after i lost my fone, i lost tht someone tht always have a listening ear n tht person was so far the 2nd person in my 13yrs of living tht i can trust to tok to. the 1st person was victor, he always have some wise words. but now since his gen's n his having his o'lvls i dw to bother him

Labels: im losing myself n my mind

tdy damn tired when i reach home. after sch, wanted to go back pri sch but my pri sch now got new principal then tht fucked up principal dun let graduated seniors to go back -.- . then i bai zou yi tang lor. then go back bbt, stand here stand thr, suddenly i heard yf voice, i turn around...IS HER. then i just do nth lor, cos i whole day in sch got a few time call her she nvr hear then like retarded like tht. lol. shall not mention wat happen before i step out of sch. oh ya, tdy i got netball. i running wanna catch the ball the 1a1 girl wanna cut in front of me or something, she go trip until me but lucky i nvr fall flat like last time in pri sch that time. lol. i fell like sort of kneeling down with hands on the floor. lol. but that girl nvr tell me sorry afterwards. stupid. no sportsmanship. nvm. atleast i have. haha! tdy de netball game i keep bump until someone. i bump into kim then her knee hit my leg then got bruise now. then got another time i ALMOST but nvr bump into xx. then afterwards freeeee~~~ but awhile i jiu bored le. haha. i end up at the basketball court de outside de shelter thr. i go lie down on alex bag then jana go lie down on kelvin n dk bag. then go play weird weird de old song then say who n who play this for u. then we down there imagine then jana laugh until damn loud. after sch , after bbt , i go meet jana they all at amk hub. then we go thomson there. alex n abubo go to the lan shop first. jana, siew yuan n me go follow dk to his house. lol he almost cannot go out afterthat. then jana,me n siew yuan wait outside for quite long. jana go play with the tap thingy at the stairs there de pipe then damn alot of water come out, the water from whr we r ( i think dunno 11 or 12 floor ) drip down to like 10 or 9 or maybe 8 like that. after awhile dk finally can go out. then al go lan shop. the lan shop quite dark then i sit there wanna sleep. but then i awhile later nth to do i go pull the boys except dk de hair. funny till i cant breathe. hahah

Labels: " c'mon sec 4s n 5s, last year tgt alrdy... "

bored... nth to write abt. wants to call someone but no one to call. i only rmb a few ppl de contacts. the rest was gone with my fone. :( . tdy yf nvr go to sch. at first i thought i was early. then lucky got putri. she pei me sit at sch there de busstop there wait for her then another 162 came but inside got annabel, jia yun, cheng yi n jana come out only. then jana pull me pei her. haha. tdy big boobs nvr come so dun have FnN. walao i bring 1 freaking container. so extra in my bag sia. anw, atleast get to play fb. like 5 to 10 mins before recess i was practically begging the time to go faster. lol. hahah. tdy modular damn sian. but got go ava. i go static shock jana. lol then she jump up.

stupid billy -.-, anyhow say me. he say i go bbt smoke. fuck lah. 2 times alrdy eh. tdy i go ask him y say i smoke cuz i nvr. then he say he thing. like wtf, think only, doesnt mean it is right. then go anyhow tell ppl i smoke. fuck lah. i nvr smoke lah cb. i so guai smoke wat sia? i dun wan to shorten my life. they say if u smoke 1 stick of cig then ur life shorten by 1 min. lol.

then still got, yshmaeil. tht dumbass got lung infection. stupid. u see ? yeah u enjoy but now wat happen? very dumb sia he.

yay got chance to post again. using my ds this time.haiz. i wan my keyboarddddd. lets tok bout tdy.

got hist first lesson. half of 1e3 including me got kicked out of the class cos we nvr do h.w / nvr bring. i nvr bring the workbk. but then in the end recess time nid to stay back. fag -.- after tht straight to geog. got this fren say she wanna b a fashion designer then she show me this book tht is full of her own designs of dress, skirts all this. then i suddenly feel like drawing. then i try drawing one dress on my notes de worksheet then got sian n start drawing other stuff like names* , words. then suddenly 'ring' pack up n went for animac. another boring lesson. hate animacccc!!! then 45 mins later, wear my shoe extra fast cos now my shoelace diff, can just slip into the shoe tht kind. stand thr wait for this fren n tht fren then went for enggg! cos 1a2 ( dk they all ) mix class with 1e3 for eng then cos tht classroom small, all those latecomer nid squeeze n share table. haha. cos i guai guai go class early got my own vandalised table.lol. then beside me got empty table, my class guys all squeeze one side of the class, girls squeeze the other side n i happen to b the last girl so end up dk, siew yuan n kelvin ( from 1a2 de ) sit beside me. then dk keep make fun of louis vuitton* if u noe is who. shes someone my whole class even the guys dun like. seniors alot dun like ( even ppl like enwei, jonas etc.etc. dun like. no is hate ) make me laugh sia. then on their table got someone write kelvin <3 lucia. then i start shouting n toking REALLY loudly till the girls at the corner heard wat i say. then after tht got short *clip to watch. i watch then tease each other n tou zui all this then i extra here n extra thr. haha. eng class damn fun tdy. during lunch tht time i was damn damn damn hungry. i first one among 2 frens to finish the rice :D anw...then art ( bleahx ) then maths. walao tcher make stand through the whole lesson cos dun wan me to sleep again.hahax