tell me, y at this point m i thinking so much?
tell me, how can tht make me not paranoid?
tell me, y m i like resisting like shit to just
stop myself from buying *something now?
i think if my temptation become more i will nid to tie
my hands tgt.
haiz. take a deep deep breath...
OK. im...fine...ya.
haha. crazy.
tdy...practically nth happen.
not practically, totally.
pretty normal day.
...can humans b split into 2 temporary for awhile?
i think i nid to hug myself now.
LOLsss. crazyzxc :x



they say actually if u wan to succeed in something is quite easy
when u r at wits end, like almost cannot tahan le
very tough very xin ku le,
u just nid to tahan alittle while more
then succeed le...
ok im not ok.
this time, its hard to hide
the more i write till very happy like tht
the worse i feel, dunno y
first time.
ya. i oso noe nobody read this blog
so its ok for me to pour abit
on how i feel here
...


ok. i feel worse then not ok
fucking miserable now
but maybe is i think too much
but i dunno
still feel fucking fucking miserable
but i ... sad le... bu kai xin...
doesnt make a diff to anyone
no one have the time to bother
i oso dun wan waste ppl time on myself
waste time on me for?
no point oso. got more ppl waiting for tht care
i just like ...... awhile jiu ok le lah
then everything will go back to normal
i tahan-ing. its ok. really. seriously ok
thts how i go through it...everytime. myself.
theres no longer anyone thr.
serves me right.
i didnt cherish them when they were thr
when they leave then i realise they were the ones
tht nvr left.
especially the last one.
he/she nvr leave.
he/she nvr kup the fone when its so late le
n tmr got sch
most ppl really tired le will just heck care n kup the fone
he/she didnt. he/she took in everything i said
nxt day still bad mood. he/she one the 2nd person tht ask me
' u look so dull. ok not? '
first person ofcos is yf lahhh.
i dunno how le. just keep quiet n tahan.
like how i do it. everytime.
now tht person leave le.
now all i can do is. keep quiet n wait till this feeling leave.
n, it will

Labels: lets do handstands so the tears wont fallll

eh eh eh
nid someone to tok to.
all die until whr le?
nvm. i got myself.
hahahahahahahhas :DDDDD

tdy got grading. i yellow belt le
dunno whether my standard is yellow belt standard
dun dare wear yellow belt
someone help me tell jonas he left his gi pants n belt n shirt in sch
i alrdy help him put in locker le
wan get tmr come find me
tdy joel keep take my rubberband
whole afternoon keep try to get back my rubberband
by the time grading i very tired le
hahah but lucky i last bunch to go
then the other half of the afternoon
trying to get back the rubberband jocelyn lend me
by the time i grab till joel gi
he tell me ' i tmr help u give her lahhh '
wth. run n run n run n run...
n i at the end this ans
waste energy

tdy got pump by yf :(
not a nice feeling
i will b a guai vice admin cap from now on
n make sure everybody do the right thing
so she will not pump me
so she will not get disappointed by the current situation of the judo club
so she can leave this sch with a peaceful mind
oh n
sry boss, dun come pump me boss. haha

i think wat my sis say.
for once i abit agree... lol
she say, cannot keep rely on frens
they wont stay with u like all the time
when u nid them maybe they somewhr?
n u cant possibly expect them to come to u just whenever u nid them
they got their own life mahh
even have bf oso doesnt work like this
hmmm...abit true bahhh

can someone keep me as their nu er?
i wan a mommy, daddy can bah but mommy better
:( i wan someone mature to b there for me :(
last time got anything will have someone
got fone all this
but now tht person dun care me le
dun wan me this fren le
hahas. he/she got his life oso
i alrdy 2 of such ppl le
they the only ones in my life
both gone cos of stead n all this shit -.-
hahahha daijoubu daijoubu
maybe god just wan test how strong i am?
hahah nvm.

everybody in the world die leee!!! ><
nid someone tht time all gone
ok tht time all crowd around
che, NVM. hahas
daijoubu.

is there any other ppl tht can read the pain
the anger the happiness n everything from my eyes?
or just be there when i needed it?
no more le bah
love took over their lives

Labels: but i'll b alright

ok..tht fairy tale seem to...just... quieten down alrdy...n life seems to return to its old..meaningless...state...

LOL crazy y i type till like tht?
life got boring again?
suppose so.

can we SERIOUSLY pretend tht airplanes or satellites on the night sky r shooting stars?
i wanna make a wish to settle everything down:(

y do i seem to keep minding how other ppl feel?
i dun even noe wat i wan?
i dun even noe wats my own happiness?
i think thts cos i smile alot everyday?
maybe thts how i mix the real n fake happiness...

ytd was one of my relatives birthday...
went to celebrate?
end up i lie down at a slide at the playground thr
alone.
n i look at the stars.
although very little
but stars r still beautiful
y do i keep ... like...
keep being alone?
nowadays
lesson finish. bell ring.
everybody rush out with their frens
i alone slowly pack my stuff
then bai kah oso walk alone
but then
being alone is not tht bad
i feel relax
dunno y.
like ... i dunno how explain...like carefree u noe?
anw. back to the i look at stars thing
count count count. go 9 stars within my view.
i think if i stand up n look all around will have more than tht
haha
shld try it sometimes. at night

tdy's update.
nth. at home slack
boredzzz.
waiting for tuition at 5.30
n now only wat time? 1.30pm
lol. nvm i listening to music

hope my mood doesnt swing now tht im alone again.
haha.
daijoubu, i'll b all right :)

ooi, dun saddd. i noe u will b very sad
maybe u emo.
but chillz.
n cheer upppp.
grief lingers but life must go on ...
sry i not very good in cheering ppl up.

Labels: 9 stars

was it fate or was it luck?
i think its both.
lol. tdy i wanted to go sch early to do something.
n i actually planned not to take 162 tdy
cos for the past lot of week
i keep take 162 n yf is always not in the bus
so i thought, i day dun try wont die.
then when i reach my busstop.
i missed 410
then i wait
then all the shit bus like
54, 88, 13 keep come
then the nxt bus tht i can take was 162!!!
i check my ipod de time 3 times
cos i seriously cant believe it.
it was 6.46am.
then when i go in the bus i see yf at her original place
for once, i really felt like i went back in time
like at starting of the year
i innocently, unexpectedly take 162 without knowing yf inside
haha.
then i another thing i think quite long nvr see
i saw yf wear her LAO hua yan jing
hahahhaha.
i see then i think ' she studying.dun disturb.'
then i reach sch le
i go out the bus
stand aside n wait for her come out
then i saw the most amazing thing
yf walking...
she saw...me? i guess
then she SMILEEE
her big, showing-the-teeth smile
i like damn damn damn long nvr see
i like sooo happy
i was also in a bit of a daze
then joshua, tht extra
walk out of the bus n broke my... dunno. daze?
he say ' eh! dreaming ah? '
extraaa
for a longg moment i stop n think how happy i was
n during recess i see all the sec 4 n 5 AND yf
i now start to rmb...what m i going to do nxt yr without her :'(
i gonna miss her so muchhhhhhhhhh
haha...haizzz

anwww,
news report: i almost hit a guy tdy
is he guailan can
keep scold scold scold
i havent scold him any vulgar
he come scold my mother
i stand up n wanted to pull his hair n slam his head on table
(during recess)
then this sec 2 guy tht was beside him go like block
then i chillzz a veryyyy tinyyyy bit
its like for once
i like cannot control my anger like tht
but i did...in the end
then tht guy go say sry to my fren
cos he did something to my fren ...long story
then he faster run
he run fucking fast sia
i want go find him
but cant
dunno whr he die until
i go in maths class
open my bag in a fucking bad mood
then i saw the green fur... XD
i thought of u
then i chilled like alot
like u put ice into hot water like tht
i thought,
u* wouldnt want me get so ... crazy? violent, de right?
maybe u dun care
but i lied to myself
i say ya u wouldnt
hahah
at least i chill-ed
then whole maths lesson i fucking quiet
thinking of thing
was still abit pissed
then i decided to took a nap
then i woke up, 2 hrs of maths over le
n my mood oso ok le ^^

Labels: its sooo not like me tdy

nvr blog for so long.
father ask me put my ds outside my room before i go sleep -.-
daddy, u dun understand me.
i play ds at night not cos i dun wan sleep
i so want to sleep
but whenever i alone
n its dark n quiet
my mind wanders
i start to think of silly things
n most of them saddens me
i play ds at night cos i wan play till eye pain
so can go sleep without thinking of anything
its a form of distraction for me
cos, i dun wan emo le
i wan stay as happy as the past few days had been
i dun wan cos at night think of silly things
then emo emo emo.
not a good feeling
n especially when i got no one to tok to
no one to express my feelings
last time i used to have this feeling...
its like ur on the verge of losing urself
sometimes its so intense
i 1 min feel like bursting into tears ( but cant )
then awhile later i feel like killing someone.
its like , i feel so stuffy with everything bottled up
lol

silly silly silly
nvm.
dun tok bout this kind of sad stuff
i wan stay this EXTREME hyperness
its the kind of feeling im waiting for
when im happy
n nth matters in the world
im like this cheery person
jump here jump thr
scream at ppl...LOL. happy till scream can?
not those wu yuan wu gu scream
then like got this warm n cosy feeling in my heart
haha.
i've been like this for the past few weeks
n i've been kinda crazy
but still its nice feeling like this :DDD

ytd was angry with father. at sakae i go take the red plate ( $5.99 ) sushi. haha. but nice. lobster one sia >:D

random x5

omgzzzx im swinging. someone distract me.

random x4....

havent ate anything the whole day. im not hungry at all. weird?

random... x3. see can randomly post how many times. haha

i miss my bangs. gonna cut hair.

randomzxc again.

i anyhow go see ppl blog. then i saw this blog. she* so chio >< omg lah. i envy...

random post ~

i very boredd. i bored till i wanna cry leeeee. totally nth to do. father ask me study. wtf? lucky he go work le. i now slacking ... zzz. boreddd. tmr farhana going...

oh ya, i rmb tht time i went to abubo house play then his maid thought i farhana. haha. lol.

zzz bored. wanna call someone to tok. no one to call. no one to tokk. omzg i going crazyy.bored like hell. i scared i later suddenly moodswing cos alone then hu si luan xiang. even my rabbit now sleeping. dun wanna wake her, first time see her sleep. she last time abit sound then jump up so nvr catch her sleeping before oso. lol fluffy, very shiok right, i see u sleep like damn shuang like tht. ytd i had a very nice dream :D how i wish everyday can have tht dream or atleast let me record tht dream down. haha.

just now i found the keyboard then i didnt noe my father came back early to eat then go back work. i try hide the keyboard somewhr first but my father found out, now he take away my keyboard - againn. nvm i let him niam all he wan, though got afew time i say back cos he wrong.but i keep tell myself ' yuki, bu yao xian zai guailan...' incase i cannot control myself. cannot let father angry tdy incase he dun let me go out tmr.

i suddenly wan my old fone back. walao my contacts all this fly with the shattered bits of my fone >< i only rmb 2 ppl de no. ... ok i before tht alrdy had the no. in my head le. lol. boredzz.


i wan the fone before my last fone. but tht one oso tio smash. tskkk. i only got one fone is not get smash.


is lost. LOL. anw tht fone oso not gd. tht one lost liao i freaking happy erh. tht fone i think u can go 7eleven buy lor. is those kind tht my mom win from lucky draw, like shit like tht. k... maybe i shld change style in writing my blog. got SOMEONE say read my blog eye pain cos i write in paragraph. lol.

zzz bored lah. anyhow drag ppl in liao. yf i miss uuuuu. LOL. farhanaaaa owe u mac. janaa nvr go training nvr tell me.

no space le.

tdy was a short short day. nth much happen. shld wake up at 8.15 but i wake up at 8.40. went back sch, judo. train train train. i randori with fenny, she knee my fucking cheek de bone thr. n nvr say sry, not even the least worried. nvm. im ok. this kind of small thing i dun care can le. then randori with yolande. omg stop asking me to randori with green belts. aft randori with yolande my nail crack deeper, omzggggg, pain lahhhh. but i ignore the pain, continue walk like normal.lol. then after judo end. annabel ask me randori with her, i won XP.

lol zeus-yyyy, i think u really can affect whether i win or lose, cos i fail tht flying hip throw tdy, not fast enough. lol. AIYA U EVERYDAY GO TRAINING LAH, LET ME EVERYDAY WINNNN. LOL.


then after judo, at first wanna wait farhana go eat mac but see tht dog in sch, i sian, dun wan stay in sch. so i counted as pang seh-ed farhana. lol sryyyy >< nxt time treat u mac. lol. i go j8 eat mac, i acidentally lose temper but for awhile only, i flare up. cos of tht taiwan. i tagged along. then he...i forget wat he say, i not happy then i hit his head then walao, he not man, come wan hit me, i stand up n scold ' chibye u wan hit girl? ' then i control abit, sit down extra fast. ps liao ps liao. lol. then aft eat walk awhile in j8 then go home


dinner my father bring me go eat sakae. :>

oh forget to say something, tdy i freaking ki siao. jump here jump thr, the frens thought i nvr eat my medicine tdy lol. eat wat medicine lah. haha nvr see me happy before ah? correction, is they nvr see me so crazy before. lawls lah. haha.

k. continue.

3rd with tan pink pink. lol tan ping ping. it was BEAUTIFUL N FAST to me. less than 40 secs. estimated le. even faster than xx tie her hair. she nvr even see cos she tie hair half way then i BOOM ippon!!! but tht tan ping ping very nice. she nvr give me black face like ... dun-wan-mention-who. haha ask me somewhr not here. she was SMILING. then she say ' tht was a very nice move. ( smies :)... ) ' lol. tht was when i finally had a close look at her. she quite cute for a girl when she smile. but she look very shuai qi oso. lol. i think she more man than my class de little boyss. only noe how play one they all.

n thts how i get gold. i only one get gold tdyy sia ^^. i love u MAMA. thx for blessing me up above thr :D.

aftertht. go eat, suddenly feel out of place so i creep to jana thr n i try follow them. was thinking ' aiya they wont care one lah. lol ' then i shock when yf call. oh ya , LEE YANFENG N OOI ZHIHAO, SEE IMPROVE SO MUCH. i last time like shit like tht. go out fight cfm lose. now, i go all out. winnn ^^.

anws suddenly yf start toking bout some ... ok dun say dog, someone. then start to have this plan. then suddenly we were walking out n taking cab to somewhr. i go thr wait for 'movie' to start. then wait so long, 2 hr pass then 'movie' before tht joel go pull out my rubberband tthen put somewhr high tht i OBVIOUSLY cannot reach. then yanfeng come help me take down. then after watch finish 'movie' sat down tokkk. i found out something tht can make sch life so fun after sch reopen. heheh... >:D.

went home late but earlier than usual. lol, nvr even get scolded. but later i think my mom punish me cos i start get gastric pain when i reach home. was so hungryyyy. but hungry eat too fast oso will gastric so i eat slow but still got gastric, end up nvr finish my dinner. lol. oso not hungry le anw. tdy like fasted, eat 1 n a half meals only. shld see last time saving money tht time, last three days i jitao completely fast 3 whole days

k. cooled down le. can post properly liao. start with woke up damnnn early. i from house walk all the way to j8 so i wont reach thr too early, sky damn dark n i scared suddenly hear someone call my name so i plug in earpiece listen music. reach thr le my slippers n anklet drenched. then plus mrt wind damn then xiao yang purposely walk away from me so he wont help me dang feng. i so freaking coldd. then i take chengyi fone call zeus. at first i spam call abit then still no ans, was like ' zuo mo ni bu ting dian hua, ans lah u pig, bu yao shui le >< !!! ' chengyi saw then laugh. then i later go in mrt try again, this time really ans, haiz can b anytime but y must wait till i in mrt le then ans sia? lol. pig >< sleep sleep sleep.

reach bedok, ask jana ' u wan how go? ' she say walk then walao her umbrella so small only can fit 1 n a half ppl, but then in the end me n jana still drenched, she go play with umbrella, then dk keep see till puddle then kick water at me. then i reach thr xx say i like just bathe like tht. L.O.L.

before comp start. zeus came ^^, he at first wan teach me something but havent wear gi yet. so nvr. then went back in. inside for once i dun find very hot, quite warm actually, since i so cold. then warm ups, then go sit outside dojo. i bulb 31, then as the number get closer i start to scared. then zeus teach me the so-called FLYING HIP THROW. (lols) first fight i no confidence use new tech yet so i go back to low arm. then i scarf hold tht girl real tightly, like i wan kill her like tht. lol.

2nd with mabel. walao i dunno how come her ground work so gd sia, struggle alot on the ground. i ground work like to stick to right side first, then see the person got try oppose me. if got then i will randomly change to left side. lol. but bad thing is my left hand like my foot like tht, sux. but i one time low arm her got yuko. now scared she upset or anything. see i so nice, always think of ppl.

shit no space. nxt post.

tdy fucking shiok.

got gold medal. get to whack someone. no day, not even birthday oso got this. better still, go home late. nvr get scolding. mama i love u. lols. sch reopen le will b even more fun. will see me throw chair at alvin.

tmr kyu grade competition ><. abit scareddd. dun wanna lose or tyco-ly win again. wanna win becos of myself. o.m.g my sis laptop not working, cannot sync songs to ipod nano :O. only got 45 songs. so pathetic. hope the laptop will work magically like last time. lol. my sis randomly press the laptop button to try on n it start working. was like ' oh my mama...' lol. if tht day the com nvr on i think i have 0 songs. lol.

now listening to -

' the stars lean down to kiss you, i lay awake and miss you, pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere...' - vanilla twilght.

boredzz... tmr nid wake up damn early, meeting judokas at j8 at 6.30am. shoo early >< blame myself for being a girl cos i do thing very slow thts y nid wake up early. lol.

' i dun wan to walk this earth if im gonna do it, solooo~ '

lol. random. bored. wonder if will win anot. just noe tht fight tht time cannot kan chiong, must stay calm... breathe in ~ breathe out ~ keep calm. like en wei like tht. he like monk like tht, i nvr see him angry, sad or panic before. lol.

hey hey zeus, i noe wth tht hip throw + harai move liao. lol actually its called sweeping hip. n i noe low arm, infact tht is my main tech liao. i noe tani oso ( but nvr use ). but then i had no idea wats yama arashi, n ur so-called - wrap around hip throw o.o. n i dunno wats leg hook n i see before stomach throw, i tio before oso ( by jonas ), n i dunno counter low defence n ...hand n leg? i like to fight low so can tell me wats counter low defence? lol.

shall post somemore tmr after kyu grade. lol.

must post fast. no time. aunt rushing me -.- hate her.

anwww, today was a fairytale~ ^^. just now i look into my for my precious thing then i thought i lost. i panic man, i take out everything from my bag then nvr see until the thing, i practically crying abit liao, then i walk to last place i sat, dun have, lol i crying abit le sia. so scary, then dk keep like add salt to the situation, make me cannot keep my tears. lol. then i after tht sit down look through my bag again n found, i was sooooooooo relieve. tdy was so freaking happy, ppl thought i crazy cos i suddenly hyper, i happy throughout till jana told me something make me freaking......sour. i hate tht person she told me.tht person freaking copycat -.- i give she oso wan give, obviously cos of me then think of him right? if i nvr give anything she probably wont give oso de lor -.- fuck off lah bitch, nxt time u like or stead with anyone i confirm flirt tht person for u see one. bitch, u just ruin my day, today was a fairytale till u ruin it. he wont say the same thing to u, is not ex or not ex the thing, is whether got meaning n sincerity in it not. u this kind of thing oso dunno? haiz, a bitch wont get real love or any form of love , friendship, family-like, or BGR love cos ppl will hate. the reason ppl hate u, or call u bitch is cos u very fake. chibye u better watch out, i dun care got who protect u, u push till one day i cannot tahan i cfm will whack u MYSELF de. i dun care if is outside general office or wat, got tcher i oso whack. nb u dun act innocent n stick out ur boobs everyday, i noe ur boobs small thts y nid stick out for guys to see. cb, keep pushing me closer n closer to how much i can tahan u. cb, i disfigure ur face oso got. nb u nvr see me hot before right? soon u will see. cb i cfm 1 person fuck u up. i make sure u go home ur mother cant even recognise u. cb.

nvm...shld just chillz incase i really do anything stupid. anws, thank u, i love it alot. u made me so freaking happyXD

i cant sleepppp. very jing shen now. i think can do maths without sleeping now. lol. anw.I GOT MII IPOD NANO LEEEEE!!! i love my tuition tcher ttm manzxc !!!

anw, lol...cant sleep. my ipod now only got 43 songs.lol. nvm will get my songs soon cuz i ask xx to help me find then put in her mp3 then i take n sync into MY ipod. lol. cant sleep >< , i wish i have my fone now, last time at night always got someone call me. lol. nvm. zuo ren must zhi zu. cannot greedy. lol. got ipod nano pei me through happiness n sadness enough le. lol. though my father say if i SA2 get 2 A1s n maths pass he will buy me notebook ( as in laptop tht notebook.lol.) hahas. then my sis say if i nxt time get into poly my sis buy me notebook then if i get into JC my sis buy me macbook. lol. so easy. i think i got higher chance of getting notebook. lol. my head not so big to get into JC. lol. anw they say JC very stressful. got 3 tchers in the class -.- ( which oso mean, no chance to sleep in class.lol. ) then alot of projects. then i saw dunno from internet or wat, the JC studs they at the end of june hols have exam which means they june hol must study. wahhh. will die manzxczxczxczxc. even my sis got one fren get into JC oso dun want. he went into poly. lols. y i care all this sia? still got a looooooooooooooooong way ahead. now the closest thing is kyu grade. tmr modular last training before kyu grade le so must train 100%. oh ya, tmr i going out with esther. going to buy something for someone. haha. hope my hard saved money enough. lol. cos i wan save money i nvr eat properly for 3 weeks le. lol. but worth it. k should organise my mind properly so i wont get confused bout wat to get n whr to go tmr. haha i hope nth will b in my way tmr. if got any fucking tcher ask me stay back i die oso dun go. i will ask tht tcher to fuck his/her father. lol. mother cannot curse. mother is the most important person in ur life.

i love you, mommyy~